Medical Mishaps: Life In a Hospital

I work at our local hospital, and I see some pretty funny things sometimes. Here are a few of them.

PEDIATRICS:

Doctor: “If you start peeing a lot, I will have to put it back in you.”

Teenage Patient: (With a very concerned expression)

Doctor: “Let me rephrase that.”

(I think what he meant to say was that he would have to put more IV fluids into him.)

—–

Nurse: “We need to draw some of your blood to do some tests. This is very important.”

Pediatric Patient: “If they draw my blood, do you think they will find out I’m a Power Ranger?”

—–

Nurse: “Are you allergic to anything?”

Pediatric Patient: “Peanuts.”

Nurse: “Anything else?”

Pediatric Patient: “Peanut butter.”

—-

Nurse: “You are one smart cookie.”

Pediatric Patient: (Bursts out laughing) “I’m a cookie?”

—-

A Letter To a Nurse:

“You are the best nurse I have ever had. Thank you for the teddy bear, you gave me. I will never forget when you put that pill up my bum…” (suppository)

—-

There are some patients that stay way too long in the hospital, and we get to know them very well. Some of them like to play jokes on us.

JACO is an organization that gives hospitals their accreditation.  Sometimes they follow nurses around to see if they do things correctly (like making sure they don’t give the wrong patient the wrong medication, etc.) This conversation took place when they were following one of our nurses.

Nurse: (Reading off the patient’s name band on his wrist, to verify before giving patient a second dose of medication) “This John Doe. Birthdate, 3/17/99.” (I changed the name and birth date, for obvious reasons.)

Pediatric Patient: “My name isn’t John. It’s Travis.”

JACO Inspectors: (With a VERY concerned looks on their faces.)

Nurse: “No it’s not. Your John Doe.”

Pediatric Patient: (Very adamantly) “No I’m not! I’m Travis! Did you give me John Doe’s pills on accident, last time?”

Nurse: (Very adamantly) “John!”

JACO Inspectors: (Looking VERY, VERY, VERY concerned.)

Pediatric Patient: (Busting out laughing) “Just kidding. My name is John.”

—-

—-

MEDICAL SURGICAL UNITS:

Nurse: (Commenting on the slowness of the pager system) “My Christmas wish is that we get an old man with one leg and hemorroids to replace this pager system and save time.”

—-

Nurse: “What do you get when you put a stick of dynomite up Dr. Bacon’s bum?…Bacon bits.”

—-

Dementia Patient: What’s the weather like outside?

Me: Beautiful sunny day.

Dementia Patient: “So it’s snowing out?”

Me: (After a short pause) “It’s a blizzard.”

—-

How not to use an enema:

A nurse went into a patient room, to give a patient an enema, but the patient was just going out for a walk with the physical therapists. The nurse hung the enema bag on the hook on the back of the door, and went back to the nurse’s station. When she came back to do the enema, the patient had the tube of the enema bag in their mouth and had drunk 75% of its contents. The nurse pulled the tube away from the patient and said:

Nurse: “What are you doing?”

Patient: “Drinking the fluid you left for me.”

Nurse: “Didn’t it taste funny?”

Patient: “No.”

Nurse: “Didn’t the KY Jelly on the end of the tube feel or taste funny?”

Patient: “No.”

(Apparently the patient had never heard of an enema.)

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